Title: Brother Bird
Follows: Angry Birds
Pairing: Roy/Tim (Earth-16)
Dedication: I JUST DEDICATED THE ENTIRE ANGRY BIRDS VERSE TO REN OKAY
Snippet: “Okay. Bad news is that Nightwing has essentially declared that if we ever go on date-dates, he’s turning it into a stealth training for alpha and beta squads.”
The advantages, Tim thinks, of having your boyfriend out the both of you in a fake relationship that you hadn’t consented to while you were high on codeine, is that you don’t have to repeat the process later. When you aren’t drugged and incredibly relaxed.
Another bonus is that no one questions why they share the same bed when they stay over at base or when they go out on missions and stay at hotels. In fact it’s encouraged because it saves money.
Bonus number three is that Roy’s mechanical arm doesn’t fall asleep, so when Tim uses it as a makeshift pillow Roy can’t possibly complain.
And when he traps the completely organic hand that’s wandering over his hip and playing with the waistband of his underwear with his own, tangling their fingers and pressing his back against Roy’s chest, he says – soft enough that he feels Roy still in order to hear him – “It is three in the morning, we are in a motel where the walls are so thin we can hear the sheets in the next room rustle, our suits are across the room and mine definitely has planted bugs on it, neither of us has had more than three hours of continuous sleep, and you want to get into my pants?”
"How about, no.”
Roy huffs, the air ruffling Tim’s hair, but Roy sort of melts against his back, squeezes his hand.
"You’re unbelievable." Tim yawns, nuzzles into the pillow he dropped on top of Roy’s arm, squeezes Roy’s fingers when the redhead drops a kiss to the skin underneath his ear. "But you’re also an ass, so this isn’t anything new."
"Yeah, but I’m your ass."
"No, you’re my Arse and that makes you a donkey, my not-so-noble-steed but definite beast of burden. I’m going to sleep now, and you aren’t getting in my pants or tights.”
"Asking permission, my what a novel concept.” Tim draws as he scrolls through code on his computer, Roy grumbling about Dick’s talk. “There are things you can’t solve with fire, you realize?”
"Hey – I sort of kind of got you with fire.” Roy answers. “I don’t remember you being this sassy before.”
"Mostly because you made me so angry I couldn’t talk." Tim replies. "Now I’m more or less used to your bullshit and feel free to sass you as much as I want in recompense."
"Angry bird." The other replies, sounding a little fond and a little incredulous as he flops onto the couch next to Tim, nudges Tim’s legs with his foot. "You busy tonight?"
"I wanna take you on a date."
Because this is them, Tim actually pauses and looks up to give Roy a considering look.
"Is this another one of your romantic let’s beat people up dates? Or is this a legitimate date? Because if it’s the latter, I might have to tell Dick and he might freak out.”
"He does realize we are dating, right?” Roy raises an eyebrow.
"You do realize that it’s Dick, right?” Tim replies. “And this is me.”
Roy blinks, not understanding the relevance of this. Tim sighs.
"In a combat situation Dick knows I could hold my own, I know I can hold me own. I think we all know I could hold my own."
"There are about two dozen people currently in jail who have physical evidence of that." Roy says, sounding a lot distracted and a lot turned on. Tim pinches his ankle. "Ow! I’m listening!"
"But if we went on a date-date that does not involve the lovely background dulcet tones of police sirens and Miranda Rights being read, you realize it becomes a social situation. And Dick knows that I know that he knows that I don’t know much about social anything that doesn’t involve school activities and being the pathological liar that I am. And because it’s Dick he would worry. And because it’s you he would worry even more. Because it’s the both of us, together, surrounded by citizens. He would actually call Batman in for consultation. Or. You know. Put the entire team on watch just in case.”
"Wait – why both of us?”
"Do I need to remind you about the hotdog stand?"
Roy makes a face and Tim considers his point taken.
"We’ve shared a bed before. He’s walked in on us making out. And he’s worried about a date?”
"He’s worried about the idea of normalcy, namely we don’t have it. Clearly.”
"Hey, we’re totally normal." Roy protests, sitting up, frowning. "Relatively."
"Relatively." Tim repeats. "Do you want me to talk to him about this?"
Roy just gives him a look, then rolls his eyes, “If you think you can, go for it. Just record the results so I can mock you for it.”
The thing about Roy is that he’s a horrible, horrible, horrible person.
"That’s funny." Tim replies as he stands up, snapping his laptop closed and heading for the zeta platform, "Almost as funny as it will be when he brings up the pedophilia argument again."
The thing about Tim is that he’s also a horrible, horrible, horrible person.
"Wait – what?” Roy yelps, actually falling over the couch and tripping, Tim waves over his shoulder and takes extreme pleasure in watching Roy’s face of horror blur out of sight as he teleports back to Gotham.
"Roy wants to take me on a date." Tim says as Dick is helping him do his warm up stretches. Tim’s spine will never forgive him. Dick doesn’t seem to notice.
"A let’s-grab-something-to-eat-while-beating-up-criminals date or a date-date?"
Because with Tim and Roy, it really could go either way. Usually towards the former than the latter. How sad is Tim’s love life? On a scale of negative infinity to zero?
"Oh." Dick makes that one syllable sound like the world has turned into a horrible cesspit of human filth and depravity. Then again, it is Gotham. So. “Tim. He’s older than I am.”
"Are you bringing up the pedophilia argument again? Because I’m probably going to have to record this just to watch his face."
"It’s one thing if he takes you on crime-busting dates. It’s another thing entirely if he takes you on date dates.”
"Really? I really hadn’t noticed. I assume that one of them involves a lot less bruises – "
"Well, not if you’re doing it right – wait, no. That’s not where I’m going with this. My point is, is that technically he’s a lot older than you. Older than me. And Tim, if I were to date you – which I wouldn’t because it would be incest and gross – “
"We aren’t even related! It wouldn’t be gross to date me!”
”- and it would be gross – I know that it would be illegal. Because of age difference. In this state. And in several others.”
"It’s disturbing how you know the age of – no wait, it isn’t. This was part of mandatory training wasn’t it, I think I still have it in my notes somewhere – "
The thing about Dick is that he’s a very, very handsome man concealing a very, very, very sadistic personality. The thing about most of the people Tim knows – superheroes and vigilantes and villains – is that most of them are very, very attractive (physically and mentally) people with horrible, horrible, horrible, terrible sadistic tendencies.
And Tim is an average looking person with a pathetic ability to work around everyone else, and sort of roll over and play dead kind of attitude. When he isn’t - well.
Sassing off to people who could snap him in two, or otherwise do him general harm.
Honestly, he’s working on it. He’s working on it, just not working on it too much. What, in between Roy and Dick and ugh, life. Sass is his bottom priority right now.
"The point is, that I don’t want you to feel pressured into doing anything. Just because he’s older doesn’t mean he’s more mature and if he even tries to cop a feel, I promise that I will totally break Batman’s no maiming rule for you. Because that’s what brothers do and I love you. Also. I want you to bring mace and I will probably be assigning team beta, if not alpha, to discreetly trail after you."
“Mace? Are you kidding me?” Tim says, trying to look over his shoulder – “But! I’m Robin, legendary terror of the night! I don’t need mace when I go on a date as a civilian with my boyfriend.”
"I’m in charge and what I say goes. Besides. You should be glad that B isn’t here. He’d probably have you take knock-out gas and a taser."
Tim takes in a deep, calming breath that isn’t calming so much as it is a way for him to collect his rapidly combusting thoughts.
"You guys have us share the same bed on long missions and you’re worried he’s going to cop a feel, now? Dick, he’s seen me naked. I don’t really think there’s anything that’s going to surprise him, now.”
Dick stares back at him, wide eyed, and snaps – hands on Tim’s shoulders – “He saw you naked? When? Why did he see you naked, where was this, why-“
Tim stares back, wide eyed as Dick shakes him, “Dick.”
Dick stops, slightly out of breath and looking mildly betrayed.
"Dick." Tim says, slowly, "I don’t know if things have changed too much from your time – but. Communal showers.”
Dick blinks. Tim blinks back. “Oh.”
Tim rolls his eyes, makes a face when Dick crushes him into a hug, “I worry for your safety and chastity.”
"I’m assigning alpha and beta squad.”
"Is this for my protection or to train me to avoid detection?"
Because this is Dick and this is Batman’s domain, and Dick has been charged with making sure Tim keeps up with training, it could really go either way.
"Consider it a training exercise for all of you.” Dick replies. “Besides, if you could go undetected by Batman for six years, what’s the challenge in evading alpha and beta?”
"You’re going to put Miss Martian and Superboy on Alpha, aren’t you?"
"And Batgirl. And Wolf. And me.”
"You are all horrible people.”
"I have good news and bad news, which do you want to hear first?" Tim declares as Roy manhandles him into a cuddling position. Not so much cuddling as full body-hug slash pin in the middle of grappling practice. Roy grunts -
"Is now really the best time?”
Now being in the middle of grappling practice, when Tim has just given Roy one hell of a bruise to the ribs and is currently digging his elbows into all the soft parts he can find, combined with flailing legs and almost-head-buts.
"Yes." Tim replies, because, obviously. Tactics. Tim likes to use them. Especially against Roy because Roy uses everything else -
Like the fact that Tim is shit at lying around him, because. Roy.
"Bad news." Tim drives his elbow into Roy’s ribs, hard, and Roy makes a pained noise, hold loosening enough for Tim to escape.
"Okay. Bad news is that Nightwing has essentially declared that if we ever go on date-dates, he’s turning it into a stealth training for alpha and beta squads."
"And that I am to carry mace."
"He realizes that you could probably snap my neck without trying, right? I mean. We sleep together. You could literally kill me in my sleep."
"Yes. Moving on to my next point – "
" – moving on to my next point, if he sees you touch me in any inappropriate way by his standards he is going to go Batman on you.”
"You’re seriously shitting me right now."
"I shit you not." And to drive the point home, Tim tackles Roy to the ground, employs a judicious amount of nerve strikes, and just – sprawls.
Because he’s tired, and his life is going on a dangerously less traveled road and that means thieves and robbers and no one will recover his metaphorical dead body on said metaphorical less traveled road and he will haunt the ever loving fuck out of Roy for this.
Metaphorically, of course.
"Okay. So. What’s the good news?" Roy asks, winded and staring at the florescent ceiling lights like they have all the answers to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Tim rests his chin on Roy’s chest, “Well. I’m Robin.”
"And I became Robin through stalking."
"Obvi – wait, what?" Roy blinks, cranes his neck to look at Tim. "Stalking?"
"And that means I could probably get us to disappear long enough that we could divide and conquer. Effectively turning our date-date into a decoy for a let’s-destroy-them-all-date.”
Roy raises an eyebrow. “Are you suggesting we go angry birds on them?”
Tim blinks. Well. Duh. Would anyone expect anything else? It’s them.
"Fuck." Roy lets his head drop. Tim blinks, pinches Roy’s side.
"Fuck yes. I love the way your bird brain works. Your angry bird brain. It completes me. If I could move – your nerve strikes are improving, by the way – I would kiss you. Or. Try to get in your tights. I don’t know. Would you let me try to get into your tights?"
"Then I would kiss you. With tongue. It’d be marvelous."
"Of course it would." Tim rolls off Roy and heads to the showers. "But since you can’t move, I’m going to take a shower and then go spread some false information."
"Wait – you can’t just leave me here!" Roy says, swearing as he tries to move. "Robin!”
You see – Tim is a mediocre looking person who will take any opportunity to sucker punch someone in the face.
Tim is also Roy’s boyfriend and that means he has a lot more openings to do so.
At this stage in their relationship, Tim is making up for lost time. This if fucking retribution for all the things Roy has blown up on their missions and every time he’s made Tim want to scream and fling Roy, or himself, off a very tall building.
"I’m Robin, I do what I Thor!" Tim calls back as he saunters his way to the locker room. He hears Roy swear -